Female Frenzy

Today, over the telephone, James and I compared lists of our must-have items when it comes down for packing for our semester in Italy. For the most part, we agreed on the most essential ingredients for contentment while living abroad: clothing, our laptops, copies of important travel documents, the fruit of Apple's womb - iPods, practical shoes, and framed photographs of our families for when the internet connection gives out and Skype dates just aren't possible.

Naturally, being the girl who packs suitcases roomy enough to house human beings full of clothes and odds and ends for a week in Florida, I felt relieved at the realization of how very few pieces from my junkyard of possessions I actually needed. It was a cleansing moment. Suddenly and without warning, I could view all of my belongings objectively, like those clean-up specialists who come in to the houses of unsuspecting hoarders, sweepingly ridding of heaps of accumulated refuse.

My enlightenment, of course, didn't last long. A few hours later in a personal grooming lamentation, I bitterly began compiling a mental list of all the miscellaneous objects I'd be forced to pack that my dear James wouldn't even have to stop and think about. Here's what got me heated up as I sat in the boiling bathtub water shaving my legs:

1) A four months' supply of tampons. Aren't we all so grateful tampax started making those dwarfed ones that are all discrete and portable?

2) High heeled shoes. Because I can't exactly wear my comfy brown oxfords or warm black cowboy boots with my patent leather belted pencil skirt.

3) Pajamas. I don't really know a male in the history of males who sports sleepwear that consists of something more elaborate than boxers.

4) Mace. We aren't going to take our chances in being optimistic about the shift in the behavior of notoriously aggressive European men. And thieves. Even though I've survived in the projects of Baltimore city without a can of it all these years.

5) Bras. I ain't no 32A. Those overpriced contraptions are going to take up a lot of space.

6) Hairdryer. Hair Mousse. Hair Luminator. Hair pins. Hair Accessories. All phrases starting with the word, "Hair." Let's face it, I'll never be able to compete with Italian women in the realm of thin frames and effortless fashion, so I may as well attempt to keep my locks looking decent.

7) Lotion and Perfume. I don't get it, do men have skin that is just flat out resistant to drying and flaking and other unappetizing adjectives?

8) Jewelry. So what you have that one cross you got for your confirmation or inherited when your grandmother passed away? I have twenty years' worth of gold and silver adornments that I somehow have to detangle and condense and transport safely to another country.

9) Nail file, polish, and remover. Because how else will I mix up the small fraction of my wardrobe that I have to subdivide and bring along, and what else can I do to soothe my clothing crises when it seems I have nothing new to wear than give myself a good ol' fashioned manicure?

10) Makeup. Sometimes, I literally have nightmares about forgetting to pack my makeup for long trips away from home. Because, really, Alba will not have any sort of drug store or beauty supply place where I can pick replacement cosmetics up. But really, in all seriousness, I'm almost certain they wouldn't carry Bare Escentuals, and I've been devoted to the line since I was fourteen years old, and it would just be wrong to revert back to Maybelline at this point in time.

And yes, these really are all necessities. Except for maybe the nail polish, but after all, a few bottles would hardly hog all the storage space in my luggage, and I know I'll be constantly gnawing away at my cuticles and fingers if I don't have miniature red stop signs as nails warning me to halt. And yes, just for the record, I do indeed like to go on living under the delusion that I'm not at all high maintenance. Because, clearly, every disgruntled female traveler would think as one man when it comes to the importance of my little travel checklist.